A Complicated Emotion.

I am having some really weird issues since Brooklyn was born. It actually didn't start until a couple of weeks ago, but it is very intense and I am not sure how to deal with it. I am having major regret and even guilt about having my tubes tied. I really thought I could handle this type of "second guessing" myself...but it is hitting me hard. I know that it is not safe for me to have more children. I know that I almost died giving birth to Carter and that Brooklyn's delivery was a tight-rope walk that could've been fatal as well. I know that I have my "perfect family" with one boy and one girl. So, why am I feeling this way?  I don't know...maybe it will pass with time.

We decided to make a surprise trip to NY to see Steven's family. We are heading home tonight, but had a great time. We did lots of visiting, shopping, and we even went to a petting zoo yesterday. We had so much fun! It was such a fun trip and we are feeling refreshed! Now we are going back to Ohio...just to return within the next few weeks when I will be becoming an AUNT!! My sister-in-law, Breanne, is 38 weeks along and will be delivering my very first nephew Kaleb any time now! I am so excited!!

Here are a few pictures of our trip to the petting zoo. I have some of Brooklyn that I will upload as soon as we get home. It seems like I haven't taken many of her, but I assure you that I will have you on Brookie overload very soon!! Her grandma bought her lots of new dresses and we have some packages waiting for us at home with hats/headbands in them!!

Babywearing 101

Being disabled, I need to be able to hold my baby and have free hands to move myself around and do things. I am turning into quite the babywearing expert. I have tried a few different slings/wraps/carriers and thought I would do a little review for those of you who are interested.

BabyBjorn Air Infant Carrier: $79.99 (Babies R Us)

This was my "go-to" carrier when Carter was a baby. I loved it and wore him 24/7 with no problems. It worked really well for us. Since I was a new mom and inexperienced babywearer, it was the easiest of carriers to operate and I thought everything was great. Now that I am a bit more aware of things, I have read that the position that the baby is in while in the Bjorn can be bad for development of the hips and spine. I am not completely convinced one way or the other. In fact, I put Brooklyn in it a few days ago and she seemed to like it...I had to give her lots of head support with my hand, but I will definitely use it in the future.

Hotsling: $48 (Target)

I am very indifferent on this sling. Carter hated it. I think he sensed my hesitance with it. I just didn't feel like he was ever supported enough when using the cradle hold. I gave up pretty easily then, but I will try it out with Brooklyn. I am hoping it works well, since there is no fancy way of tying or wrapping it. It would certainly make things easier if I could just throw it on, pop her in, and go.

Moby Wrap: $39.99 (Babies R Us)

This wrap is amazing...I have been smitten since the first time I put it on. It is very intimidating, since it is basically just a piece of material that seems as long as a football field. It comes with an instruction booklet, but I suggest youtube.com videos to learn how to wrap and tie it. It isn't nearly as difficult as it seems. I had Brooklyn in it for the first time a couple days ago and she fell right to sleep. We went outside and it was a bit chilly, so I threw a blanket over my shoulder and was able to keep her warm and out of the wind. She was comfortable and so was I. This is by far my favorite way to wear my baby!

I hope this helped! If you know of any good carriers, please let me know!!

Photo Booth Fun

Our New Life.

We are adjusting to being home as a family of 4. Although it is slightly more stressful, I wouldn't have it any other way. This family is my dream come true. I prayed for a life just like this and I have been blessed with a husband a 2 absolutely beautiful children. God is good.

This weekend has been a bunch of firsts for us. Yesterday, Steven and I took both kids outside. I put Brookie in the BabyBjorn and he played with Carter. We're going to have to be on our toes at all times now that we each have one to keep an eye on. Although Brooklyn doesn't move around yet, having her strapped to me via wrap/sling makes me a little less mobile. Especially while I am healing from the c-section. My incision is actually completely closed, but rules still apply! I am feeling better every day and hope to be back to 100% very soon.

Today was Football Sunday at our house. We had a few friends over and they brought their kids to play with Carter. Steven made pulled pork and we had chicken wing dip...I kept saying "Maybe I'll have a beer.", but never ended up doing it. I haven't had a drink since January...one beer will likely knock me out! I did enjoy two Cokes...and they weren't caffeine-free! I know, I'm living on the edge.

Here are a few photos of Brookie that we've taken since we've been home.

And here are a couple from Steven's phone...

Welcome Brooklyn Rose!!

Brooklyn Rose has arrived! She was born on Friday, September 10th at 1:45pm. She weighed 5 pounds, 5 ounces and was 18 inches long. Our family is complete…and so is my heart.

When I had Carter, everything happened so fast. My blood pressure spiked, causing me to have a seizure and I have no recollection of his birth at all. The doctors and nurses at MetroHealth Hospital went above and beyond to be sure that Brooklyn’s birth would be the most amazing memory of my life. I am so grateful for everything they did.

Our induction was scheduled for noon, so they had us come in at 9am. I was admitted to a High Risk room and the nurse I had specifically requested, Ann Marie, began preparations. The reason I requested her is because she is hilarious…and she sings. All of the time. You throw her into any situation and she will sing the soundtrack. That was the type of person I wanted to make me calm throughout the day. She started my IV first. Of course, my body began rebelling and she couldn’t get it in. After a second try, we had success. A little later, Anesthesia came in to begin my Arterial Line. It was needed to monitor my blood pressure during the delivery, to prevent another seizure. Unfortunately, they are very painful…and unfortunately, my body was still rebelling. After 3 separate pokes, they finally got the line in. Next, anesthesia started their own IV in case they needed access to a vein. That took 2 tries as well.

After I was all done, I was able to spend some time with my mom, Carter, and Steven before the OR was ready. My cousin Megan was also there. She works as an RN on the Labor and Delivery floor. I really wanted her to attend the birth, so I was glad to see her in her scrubs and Spongebob Squarepants OR hat. I really enjoyed the time with them before I went in. I held Carter for a bit, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my only child for much longer. Those moments were worth more than gold to me.

At 12:10, they came in to bring me to the OR for my epidural. Steven had to stay behind and wait while Megan and the rest of the team took me. The anesthesiologist had me sit on the bed while he inserted the epidural catheter. The first attempt hit a blood vessel, so they had to try again. Megan sat in front of me helping me think happy thoughts (Channing Tatum, for example) as they successfully got the epidural in place. The nurses helped me lay down on the operating table and went to get Steven. They got the epidural medication started and everyone took their places for the External Version.

The doctor began trying to flip the baby, along with another doctor. They each took an end and pushed in the same direction. After about 5 minutes, Brooklyn was head-down. By the time the doctor reached over for the ultrasound machine, she had returned to her previous breech position. They asked if I wanted to try again and I told them to go ahead. They pushed for another 5 minutes or so and managed to get her head down again…but Brooklyn had the last say as she turned herself even further breech than before. The doctor asked me if I wanted to proceed with the C-section. Part of me felt like I failed because my body just wasn’t doing what it was supposed to do, but I went ahead and said “yes” because I knew it was best for the both of us. They prepped me and proceeded with the c-section. One of the nurses yelled "Candi! Where's your camera?!" She ran back to my room and returned to the OR with my camera, which are normally not allowed during c-sections. Not only did they allow it, but the nurses were the ones taking pictures! Steven was allowed to watch the entire surgery…since he is going to school for nursing, this was really something he wanted to witness. Also, the fact that he missed Carter’s birth was always something that bothered him. Nothing in the world could’ve kept him away from seeing his daughter being born. He stayed right beside me, reassuring me that my blood pressure was looking wonderful. He and Megan were telling me everything that was happening. It really made me feel so much better. Ann Marie was singing the entire time...even my doctor joined in! The whole OR was laughing and having a great time! About 10 minutes later, the anesthesiologist asked me if I’d like to see them pull Brooklyn out. I hesitated, but she assured me that I would not see any of my parts cut open. She lowered the drape, lifted my head, and I saw a little butt! The doctor pulled and out she came! He handed Steven the scissors and he got to cut the cord. Brooklyn immediately started crying…what a beautiful sound!! I couldn’t help but breaking out in tears. She was here. She was healthy. She was ours.

(Sorry for the graphic photos. I am just amazed that I have them.)

(You can see my head poking up over the drape.)

(My awesome support team, Steven and Megan.)

They took Brooklyn over to clean and weigh her and the doctor began my tubal ligation. I couldn’t take my eyes off of my beautiful daughter. The most amazing part was that she never left my sight. When Carter was born, he was rushed off to the NICU and I wasn’t able to see or hold him for hours. This time was so much different. As soon as I was sewn up and ready to go, the nurse handed Brooklyn to me and we were wheeled back to our room together.

Right away, we were able to introduce Brooklyn to her Nana and her big brother. She immediately ate and we were able to spend even more time as a family. It was the most amazing experience of my entire life and I cannot thank the hospital staff enough for going out of their way to make sure everything was perfect.

Both of us were released yesterday and are getting settled in at home. I am completely in love with my family of 4. I am truly blessed. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers throughout this pregnancy. I couldn’t have done it without you.

Belly Pics...By Popular Demand!

We managed to get out of the house this afternoon and did a small maternity/family photo shoot at a park not too far from where we live. I really love the scenery there. It was nice because they also have an awesome playground. Carter and Steven played for awhile while we waited for the sun to go down a bit. Here are some of the photos we took. It was just the 3 of us, so there aren't many photos of us all...and the few that we do have were taken with the timer because my wireless shutter remote is not working all of a sudden. I'm just glad we were able to get photos at all...since I delivered Carter before we could do so with him. For some reason, Blogger makes them less vibrant, but here they are...

6 More Days!

I'm still here. I'm still pregnant. I am very uncomfortable and still contracting at least once every 5-10 minutes, but as of Tuesday, I am only 2 cm dilated. We are going ahead with our plan to do the amnio on Thursday around noon, then if Brooklyn's lungs are mature, she will be born Friday. I will get my arterial line and epidural in the morning, then my OB will take me to the operating room and attempt an external aversion to get Brooklyn to go head-down. If successful, I will be moved to a delivery room and get started on Pitocin. If she does not turn, I will stay in the OR for a c-section. I am praying that she turns. This is my last baby and I would really like a wonderful birth experience.

We have really turned on the jets as far as getting everything ready for Brooklyn's arrival. All of her clothes are washed and hung up, diaper/hospital bags are in the car, car seat has been installed, and we pick up her nursery furniture on Tuesday. By Tuesday night, we will be 100% ready to bring her home. It will be so weird if she comes home from the hospital with us. Carter spent 15 days in the NICU. I keep forgetting that Brooklyn will more than likely be discharged when I am. God is good.

So, my goal at this point is to make it to Thursday, then the party will begin! Both Steven's mom and my dad are coming in from NY on Friday, so I am praying all goes according to plan. We are truly blessed.

My mommy gift from Steven, Carter, and Brooklyn!

My L&D Slumber Party

Its been awhile since I updated...a lot has happened. 

I finally got my new van. It took them forever to get my mods done, but I finally picked it up last Thursday. I am officially a "Soccer MILF" as Steven says. He says I look good in it...he says it fits me perfectly. Today, he drove it for the 1st time and he couldn't get over how well it drives. He actually said "This is so nice. I am happy for you." Sweet man of mine!! 

Friday night was my baby shower. We had a very nice dinner and Brooklyn got lots of great gifts and a bunch of diapers. I am so thankful for my awesome friends and family. I feel so much better now that we are prepared. All we are waiting on now is her furniture...not that she will be sleeping in her crib for a couple months.

Anyway, we went on a mini road trip on Saturday. My brother-in-law spent last week with us, so we met my mother-in-law in Buffalo to drop him off...it is about 1/2-way for both of us. We spent the afternoon at the Galleria. She bought Carter a couple new DVDs for the new van. It was nice because it kept him busy on the ride home.

Sunday, I woke up not feeling well. My contractions were very hard and very close together all morning. I paged my OB and he didn't call back right away, so my mom took Carter and Steven and I headed to the hospital. I got checked in and hooked up to the monitors. I was having hard contractions every few minutes. They started an IV and gave me a bag of fluids to see if they could stop them that way. The OB on call came in and checked my dilation...1 cm. Not good. They decided to keep me overnight to be sure that I wasn't going into active labor. I was moved to a High Risk room until morning. Steven slept on a very small, very hard couch next to my bed all night...although neither of us got much sleep. On top of that, we were not prepared to stay, so both of our phone chargers and laptops were left behind. We were bored out of our minds and didn't have much cash with us for anything! I didn't eat before we left home because I wasn't feeling well. I had cereal around 2pm on Sunday. I wasn't allowed to eat once I checked in, just in case I went into labor and needed a c-section, but I was permitted to chew gum. I went through about 2 packs by myself, pretending it was food. Monday morning around 8am, my OB came into my room and checked my cervix...2 cm. Still not good, but since my contractions had spaced out, he felt that I was OK to be discharged. He gave me the green light to eat breakfast, so one of the nurses brought me in some cereal and a muffin. I hadn't eaten anything since the previous afternoon, so I scarfed it down before we left to go home. 

Monday when we got home, I had a small breakdown. I had such a long to-do list of things that had to be done before Brooklyn arrives. I felt like she could come at any moment and we had not washed one bottle or article of clothing. I had an empty diaper bag and still needed to buy a few of the contents to fill it. Thankfully, my mom and Steven took care of everything. Steven went to the basement and brought the swing and other necessities upstairs and cleaned them. He assembled the new Pack n Play as well. My mom washed and organized all of the bottles and clothes. She also helped me fill the diaper bag with everything Brooklyn will need. I finally feel at peace with everything...if she needs to make an early appearance, that is OK. I hope that she will stay put for another 15 days, but we are ready for her if she doesn't. Huge weight off of my shoulders.

The last couple of days have been rough, but I am trying to hang in there. Today, I almost caved and went back to L&D. My contractions were about 3 minutes apart at one point. Thankfully, they spaced out. I am still having them, but not as often. Steven moved our mattress into the living room so I can lay down and still be a functional part of the family during the day. I was getting pretty depressed being by myself in the bedroom all day when I needed to lay down. Just being around my family keeps my spirits up.

I am trying my best to make it until Monday, since I have an appointment with my OB. He will check my cervix and probably do an ultrasound to see if Brooklyn is still breech...as of Sunday, she was. If I have dilated any further, I assume he will admit me and induce shortly after. Your continued thoughts and prayers are so appreciated. 2 weeks from tomorrow...that's the goal!

My Beautiful Baby Girl

Isn't she adorable?!

My doctor's appointment today went very well. I had an ultrasound and we were able to see Brooklyn's face for the very first time! As you can see from the pictures above, she is beautiful. She has her daddy's nose and mommy's lips. She has the cutest chubby cheeks! The only bad news is that she is breech right now. We are hoping she turns very soon.

After my ultrasound, we met with the doctor. He scheduled our induction for September 10th. So, I will go in on the 9th for my anmio, then we will have a baby the next day! It is so nice to have a set date. I will be 36 weeks and 4 days. I just have to make it through the next 3 weeks and 4 days. No problem!

Hanging in There.

That's all I'm doing this week...hanging in there. It hasn't been easy, but I am trying my best to do everything I can to keep this baby in as long as I can. Every day this week has been eventful. Monday and Tuesday, we drove all the way out to the hospital for my Betamethasone injections. I am relieved that they are done, but hope that Brooklyn doesn't really need the extra lung development. Hopefully, she will have a few more weeks in my belly to grow.

Wednesday, I woke up very dizzy. I had a couple of very bad spells where the entire room was jumping and spinning. Thankfully, Steven was right there to calm me down and help me figure out what was causing the dizziness. We aren't really 100% sure, but we think it has something to do with me laying on my right side. I always contract more after sleeping on my left side, but the dizziness was awful, so I am trying my best to prevent it. Last night, I was able to sleep on my right side for a little while, but ended up flipping back over...and I am paying for it today with all sorts of contractions. Its a bit weird to me that I can sit here and have them every few minutes, but I am being told that its OK and not to panic. I would like to panic! They hurt and in most cases, they would be a pretty good indicator of actual labor...but not for me. Right now, I am just trying to deal with them, morning, noon, and night...because my cervix seems to be holding up and my water hasn't broken. I have just been praying every day for things to stay the way they are. I can handle the contractions if I know that my cervix is staying closed and that Brooklyn is safe. 

Tomorrow is a pretty big day. I will be 32 weeks and 5 days...the same day that Carter was born. I knew it would eventually come and go, but I did not expect all of the emotions that I am having. I am nervous that history could repeat itself. I am relieved that we made it this far. I am scared that anything could happen at any time from here on out. I am paranoid that I am overlooking things that could mean I am in labor. I am thankful that she wasn't born earlier than Carter. I am worried about how things will happen...and when. I am hopeful that my body can do this each day for the next 4 weeks. 

My husband has been amazing throughout this entire pregnancy. I remember when I was in my 1st trimester and I was constantly exhausted and needing sleep. He took care of Carter while I slept as much as I needed to and while I was sick to my stomach every day. He has been nothing but helpful and has taken so much stress off of my shoulders in the last 7 months. I find myself feeling so much calmer just knowing that he is around. When I was dizzy the other day, I felt like I was fine as long as he was near me...and that he wouldn't let anything bad happen. I am so blessed to have him in my life...and to be able to have him around me all day. He starts nursing school in a couple weeks, which makes me very nervous and sad, but I couldn't be more thankful or proud. 

This weekend, we are just hanging out and relaxing. My brother in law is visiting from New York, so I am sure the boys will make some fun plans. I will probably try my best to take it easy. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday for an ultrasound and cervix check. Then I will be seen every Monday to be checked until I hit 37 weeks. Around September 13th, I will have an amnio to confirm that Brooklyn's lungs are fully developed, then we can induce! On one hand, 4 weeks seems like forever, but then again, I have been pregnant for over 32. Until then, I am making a to-do list of things that have to be done before she is born. I am going to wait until after my baby shower next weekend to wash clothes or anything, but the list is in existence and we know what needs to be done. I don't want to have it all done too early, because I don't want Brooklyn thinking we are ready for her! I figure 2 weeks before my scheduled induction is good enough.

 I can do this.

False Alarm.

Yesterday when I woke up, I could tell it was going to be a rough day. I was contracting from the moment I got out of bed. I tried to move around a bit and get my mind off of it, but I kept looking at the clock. My contractions were about 3 minutes apart and I finally told Steven to grab my hospital bag. We put Carter down for his nap and my mom stayed with him while we went to the hospital. They hooked me up to the monitor and let me go for awhile. The contractions were not regular at first, but after a bit, they were steadily 2 minutes apart. I was freaking out. I am not even 32 weeks along yet...I am not ready for another NICU baby. I assumed that they wouldn't let me go anywhere and that I would either be admitted to L&D to be watched or I would be delivering right away. The doctor came in to check my dilation and my cervix was soft but closed. I spent about another hour on the monitor and they came in to check again...still closed. Apparently, my body is handling the contractions well and I just have to deal with them for now. God is definitely watching over Brooklyn and me. 

Monday I go back to the doctor to have my cervix checked again. My doctor will also be giving me betamethazone injections to help mature Brooklyn's lungs, just in case she decides to come early. Next Saturday, I will be 32 weeks 5 days, which is when I had Carter. I will continue progesterone injections until I hit 36 weeks, and we will induce at 37 weeks, which is the week of September 13th. I am praying that these next 5 weeks go by quickly and that I get the birth experience I missed with Carter. I will be getting my tubes tied, so this is my last chance. I am excited and nervous about what will happen, but I know I am in good hands and that I trust my body to give me the right signals so that I know when enough is enough. 

My mom and aunts are throwing me a "Baby Sprinkle" on the 21st, so I am really looking forward to that. For the most part, we have what we need, but we had to start over with clothes since everything we have is blue. I am 100% determined to go to the party as a pregnant woman! I just have to take everything one day at a time and stay stress-free and relaxed. Lots of prayers are needed and very appreciated!!

31.

Monday was 31 weeks. My water has not broken, so I guess we are on the right track. I am still having contractions, which can get very scary at times, but so far they haven't been regular and I am not in too much pain. Thank you all for your continued prayers...only 6 more weeks until our induction!

Carter has a nasty cold right now. Last night was awful. He woke up about an hour after we put him to bed. He was screaming and coughing really bad. We went in to get him and he started throwing up sticky mucous. He ended up choking a bit because he couldn't get it all up. It was very scary. I slept with him on the futon in the playroom. He threw up one more time after that, but then slept as well as he could for the rest of the night. He seems to be feeling a little bit better today, so I am hoping that he is on the road to recovery.

I am still waiting on my new minivan. It is paid for and everything, but I am waiting on the dealer to install the remote starter and DVD player, as well as the hand controls. They should be calling me any day to fit my wheelchair to all of the parts. After that is finished, I am good to go! I am sad and excited at the same time. On one hand, who wouldn't be excited to get a brand new car? My life will be so much easier and I will have my independence back. But I will also miss my Escalade. I've only had it for 5 years, but it has been a big pain in the butt ever since. Every time I turned around, something expensive had broken. As a matter of fact, I have a blown headlight right now. A new bulb will cost $100. I am waiting right now because we really don't have the extra cash...we just try not to drive at night. Nonetheless, it is a beautiful car and I always felt gangsta while driving it. But, then again...

Who says a minivan isn't gangsta?