I am watching last night's episode of
Push Girls on Sundance Channel. If you haven't seen it yet, I urge you to check it out. These girls are amazing and absolutely gorgeous in every sense of the word! This week, they are talking about Stem Cell treatment and how everybody deals with being paralyzed differently. I often think about these things, but I have never blogged about how I really feel about who I am. The past 13 years has been a roller coaster of ups and downs for me.
As most of you know, I was in a car accident in 1999 that left my paralyzed pretty much from the neck down. After having spinal fusion surgery, I regained use of my arms, but my finger movement has pretty much remained the same...I don't have much. My arm movement has changed tremendously. I can remember being in the hospital and all I wanted to do was surprise my dad on Father's Day by being able to bring my right hand up to touch my nose. That was the 1st of many goals I have set for myself since then.
At first, I was angry. I remember sitting home trying to figure out ways to get someone to leave my Percocet bottle where I could reach it...all I could think about was ending my suffering. I felt like I was a burden on everyone in my life...my independence was taken from me in the blink of an eye. For a teenage girl that was preparing to graduate and start her own life, that is not an easy pill to swallow...no pun intended.
The first 2 years were hell. Everything, physically and emotionally, was a struggle. I cried constantly. Then Steven came along and turned my whole world upside down. He made me realize that there's not much in this world I can't do as long as I believe in myself. The past 11 years have made me OK with who I am now.
So, who am I now?
I can tell you that I am happy. I know that due to my accident, I have been given opportunities that I wouldn't have otherwise had. I am exactly where I wanted to be at 30 years old. I own a home, a nice car, the bills are being paid, and I feel secure that the stability won't change. I have an amazing husband who is truly my other half and two beautiful children that challenge me physically (in a good way) every day. I am able to be a stay-at-home mom, which most people in my particular situation wouldn't be able to do. I am so blessed to be here with them every day, not missing one precious moment of their way-too-short childhoods. I can tell you that I am accepting of the life I have. That doesn't mean I don't want to walk again. I would give anything to walk again...but I refuse to waste any more time on the outside looking in on my own life. I wasted too much time wishing things could be different, but they can't. So, I have had to learn to deal with things the way they are...and I have found that acceptance was the key to having a fulfilling life. Once I decided to be OK with the turns my life has taken, I was able to figure out new ways to do all of the things I did before. That has been a blessing in disguise. You can never truly appreciate something until it is almost taken from you. I look at life completely different now.
As far as Stem Cell treatment goes, this may be controversial, but I am all for it. This is something that I am literally wearing one shoe on each side of. On one side, I am paralyzed. I live every day in a wheelchair. As I said, I would give anything to walk again. On the flip side, I have 7 frozen embryos from our IVF cycle. To me, they are babies...they are life. However, I am quite positive that I am done having children. Someday, I may have the choice to use them to help me walk again. I can't tell you that I am 100% sure I would say "yes", if given the opportunity...but I can understand why others would. Let me clarify...I do not think embryos should be made and killed for the sole purpose of extracting stem cells. But, as in my case, where the embryos are already here, I think it is at the discretion of the parents to decide how they are used. I definitely don't think they should be thrown in the trash, like many unused embryos are.
OK...I hate that subject. Its too scientific for me. But I realized that I have never spoken about where I stand with it. It may be ballsy for me to even bring it up, especially in the world of infertility...but I am also speaking as a woman who spends every moment of her life in a wheelchair. I do have sympathy for those who cannot have children and I know donating my embryos is always an option. I honestly do not know what I will do with them at this moment...I guess that's a bridge I will cross when I get there. I trust that God will speak to my heart and help me make the right decision for myself, my family, and others involved. No matter what, it is not a decision I will make lightly.
So, that's who I am. I am just like every other woman in this world who wants to be everything she can for her family. So, I will continue to fight for that with every breath in my body. Quitting is no longer an option and not in my nature. All I can do is move forward and be thankful for everything I have. I hope I can inspire others to do the same...because you just never know what tomorrow may bring.
